Nephelia

International studies student and activist. Trying to travel everywhere. Obsessed with science and music. Animal lover and vegan. I reblog way too much. ♥ ♅

That thing I wrote about some youtubers being twats

Sorry again to the masterpost authors, I’ve moved it back here. People started to follow the other blog which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s all under this cut.

I don’t care that this isn’t anonymous. Some people will definitely know that it’s me posting this anyway so there’s not much point. I’m just gonna put this out there because I feel like if I do everything will just stop clogging up in my head and making me feel shitty. I know I’m gonna get some attention from this, and tbh I’m probably just gonna leave my computer after posting and live my life and ignore most of it. I want this to stay in the past and not have to think about it much again.

I’m glad people are finally being brave and coming forward about stuff and that. And I’m sick of seeing a lot of people defending youtubers rather than supporting victims (it’s incredibly upsetting for the people who have experienced this stuff). I understand it can be hard to find out that people you watch, like and support are doing these disgusting things and so you want to deny it. But this is real life. This does happen. There is definitely a hierarchy in the youtube community. And people do take advantage of it, unfortunately. 

Yes Alex does do those things you’ve heard about. When I was 17, Alex and Danny traveled 3 hours (seriously.) to my house along with a couple of others who were friends with me at the time to stay over. I did invite them.. it started as a kind of joke on facebook through Danny that we didn’t think would happen. Then it was all like, fuck it, this might be fun. I was never really a fan of their content, but a lot of my friends were, which kind of made them feel like more of a big deal to me than they were which rubbed off on me a little, and that I couldn’t say no to such a thing. I can easily say that after this incident I never had that attitude towards well-known youtubers again.

So when we were all at mine, Alex texted Danny something along the lines of “which one do you want” because apparently he got first choice the last time this happened. Yeah, lovely innit. I stupidly shared a bed with Alex because he was holding my hand and I thought that was just gonna be it. Meanwhile, I had to listen to people who were 11 years apart having underage sex. It was incredibly disturbing and scary because obviously I’d never experienced anything like that before, especially when someone kind of ends up on top of you in the dark. 

The girl who had underage sex does regret it and she was upset about it and other things that happened afterwards. I don’t know that much about the whole situation there - as to how consensual it was, whether anything was forced or not. I can’t comment much about it but I feel bad that I didn’t support her as much as I feel I should have at the time because my thoughts were too consumed with Alex. There was no explanation or reason for why they did what they did. I was very young and I had just been emotionally manipulated. It’s hard to explain how I felt about him and the feelings I had for him were only because of manipulation and how confusing it all was for me.. Idk, he just looked after me and made me feel special during the night, something I was totally new to, and that made me feel bad that I didn’t do anything…like, I felt like I had ruined everything. I hadn’t been kissed or anything before, so this was my first exposure to this kind of thing. I didn’t actually do anything with a guy for the first time for a very, very long time after this because this affected a lot about how I felt towards sex and relationships in general. I wasted months of my life being upset and confused because of some sick joke, because manipulating young, vulnerable teenage girls for sex and seeing how far you can go with them is apparently just a fun game.

It’s weird, knowing this all happened in my home. In the room I’m in. In my house out in the Cotswolds, .. miles away from Essex. We had drinks in the pub I used to sit in with my school friends, eat at the restaurant that me and my family always went to. They both met my family. My mum still asks me how they are doing from time to time, but I’m not telling her anything. I can tell my friends, and I can tell the internet, but not my family. I’m not telling them what this night was all about. This was the first time I had anyone stay at mine that I had met through youtube things. I wonder if I ever will.

My heart goes out for people who have definitely had it worse than me and the people who have come forward. This has happened to an absolute shitload of people and I’m pretty sure that he has done this to people underage too. But I have heard he sometimes waits and goes straight in as soon as the girl turns 16 to get away with it, which is an incredibly predatory thing to do. And he does fuck off and doesn’t speak to you again and acts like nothing happened. And he’s good at making people feel like he’s done nothing wrong. Really good at it. He just makes everyone else feel guilty instead. I didn’t realise he was actually being a totally shit person for a very long time. I also feel a bit guilty about the statutory rape and I feel responsible. I know it’s not my fault, but I /know/ that I couldn’t have let it happen.

I don’t want much more to do with this. I don’t feel a part of this community anymore. Thanks to this lovely incident I’ve had a really bad reputation, because certain people involved have told other people in the youtube community to stay the fuck away from me and I never wanted to go into the reasons why they’ve heard certain things with everyone. Because I would have to constantly say all of this and I want this pushed as far away at the back of my mind as possible. I also fell out with a lot of friends. This whole thing messed things up for me for the last 2 years. It was a massive butterfly effect.

*when I said John Green had warned a very small amount of people in the past, I didn’t mean he knew absolutely everything. (it’s pretty obvious he didn’t,) To my knowledge, he warned one of my friends after she had been in a video with him about him being a shit boyfriend or whatever. That’s it. Sorry for not making that very straightforward. Please don’t moan at him or anything because I didn’t explain myself very well. This was my first ever post and I underestimated the amount of views I would get and I sometimes forget that it’s easy for so many people to misinterpret things. 

small video from that night  - I dug this out and messaged it to Laura the other day. I’m posting it to help her story get across. Originally was not going to do anything with this at all, but she wanted to be able to reblog the video on her tumblr. Also I think it helps people get a grasp of the realism of this a bit. Rewinding a little: at the start of the night begin to have suspicions as to why they were there, after Danny had shown me two condoms in his pocket, and the fact that they hardly knew us, so that’s part of the reason I got video evidence for this reason in case it was true and anyone didn’t believe us. I used to film a lot of things (I was new to the whole youtube thing so camera was like everywhere lol) and I’m sure they brushed it off as me fooling around or being a “fangirl” or whatever they wanted to think. However, having these suspicions did not stop me from being emotionally manipulated and feeling like shit and really confused, because the whole sex thing was new to me too. Regarding this, please don’t message Hannah about this. She was just there. She did not get involved or know very much about what was going on. She’s had enough crap to deal with in the past and she has absolutely no reason to get dragged in.

Also watching this back is fucking weird.

Ugh man, what else? Alex once went up to my friends and asked her if they have had sex yet. No hello or anything. Yup. Just that. Make of that what you will.

Thank you for all your support and internet hugs. You’re all very kind. I’m incredibly happy this is finally on its way to getting sorted out and proud of everyone else who has said posted their stories.

<3

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    (23/07/14 [I’m really sleepy so this is will probably just sound like dribble]): I privated this a while ago. A few...